24th June - In the end?
Our society is lacking in preparing people for end of life. It's such a taboo subject and so difficult to broach. Although Pat and I have talked frankly about "the end", we do so cautiously. We both need to be in the same frame of mind, the moment needs to allow for it, and then we tip-toe tentatively through the topic.
Even the doctors are hesitant on the subject. They try to be clinical about it but you can see them looking intently at us to see how much to disclose and how far to go on the subject. We find that we need to prompt the discussion with very specific questions. Information is not given freely.
It's also very hard to talk with friends and family. A quick chat on the phone is certainly not the time. Nor is the place when catching up in a cafe. Mostly, we don't want to talk about it. However, I also can't "fake it". When asked how things are going, I have adopted a strategy of looking glum, shrugging my shoulders, and not saying anything. The response is often, "things will be ok" or "he'll get better", to which I then change the topic because things will not be OK and they won't get better but they can't do anything about that. It's better to change the topic then to speak the truth and then get that awkward silence with sad looks. Most of us don't know how to respond to death. When a friend's mother passed away, I googled it to find out what and how to say "I'm sorry".
What I have been struggling most with these past few weeks is that conundrum of trying to stay positive yet preparing for the worst. Just letting yourself think about "the worst" causes any positive-ness to be squashed. Once the door of doubt is opened, it is hard to return to optimism and "cup half full".
I'm covering this topic now because it is a part of this journey. Fortunately, we are not there yet. At our last Oncology appointment, the doctor happily shared that he thinks Pat will make Christmas but... he couldn't promise the Christmas after. Isn't that everybody's lot? Yes we'll all probably live to see this Christmas but who knows beyond that. The difference is that most of us can pretend that we'll be seeing many more Christmases. For Pat, there is a ticking timebomb inside him, so the end looms large.